To mark International Women's Day this year, I am not identifying as a woman. That's so 2022. I'm going for something edgy, avant-garde, subversive. This year I am identifying as a man who identifies as a woman.
Whatever you do, please don't misgender me.
What inspired my stunning bravery? My journey begins with the International Women's Day website itself, which announces, "International Women's Day (IWD) belongs to everyone, everywhere," and assures me that "all IWD activity is valid, that's what makes IWD inclusive".
There you have it, straight from the horse's mouth.
I am inspired by and stand tall with my proud brother-sisterhood, chief among them Dylan Mulvaney, whose commitment to the cause landed an interview with President Joe Biden and has lately gone as far as facial reconstruction surgery. Let us never forget Dylan's humble beginnings.
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Speaking of the White House, I am also moved by Alba Rueda who fended off all the women this year to collect the International Women of Courage Award, presented by First Lady Jill Biden.
I must not fail to mention USA Today's Woman of the Year Rachel Levine, who smashed through the glass ceiling to prove that men really do make the best female Assistant Secretaries of Health. Levine is on a mission to provide artificial hormones and sex surgery to minors and ensure the transing of the next generation. Three cheers for health!
A shout out to trans activist Fae Johnstone, appointed by Hershey's Canada to be the spokesman of their 2023 International Women's Day campaign. Fae has struck a fatal blow to the enduring stereotype that only women love chocolate.
Who can forget Lia Thomas, who was nominated for the 2022 National Collegiate Athletic Association's Woman of the Year award? Lia has achieved records and recognition that, let's be honest, wouldn't have been possible in the men's category. Keep showing those girls in the pool who's boss, Lia!
I am also inspired by the non-profit Medical Herstory, whose founder was invited to speak at this year's Royal College of Obstetricians and Gynaecologists' International Women's Day event. Medical Herstory is breaking ground with their bold conviction that anyone of any gender can get pregnant. Because who needs ovaries - or science?
If you thought I couldn't be any more controversial, check out my final inspiration, the piece de resistance of men who identify as men who identify as women.
Meet Indianarae Siqueira, named by Marie Claire Brazil last year as one of their Top Women's Rights Activist. Indianara's biography... err, rap sheet... is impressive:
Between 2007 and 2010, Siqueira served a prison sentence in France after being convicted of aggravated pimping. In addition to his jail time, he was ordered to pay financial compensation to the trafficking victims in the amount of [euro]50,000 (approx. $56,000 USD), but shirked the bill. Following his sentence, he was deported to Brazil and banned from entering French territory.
In 2019, Siqueira was expelled from the Socialism and Liberty Party (PSOL) of Brazil in which he had been campaigning as a politician. The Party removed him after public outrage surrounding his "takeover" of a non-profit art charity house of cultural significance, illegally converting it into boarding and brothel for trans-identified male prostitutes.
According to a PSOL ethics committee testimonial, children were also sexually exploited in the brothel operating out of Siqueira's camp, with "various forms of human rights violations" taking place within the house...
OK, on second thought I might just stick with my man Dylan Mulvaney.
Before you bigots accuse me of womanface, or mansplaining to women what a woman is, or manspreading into women's toilets and jobs, or colonising native female spaces to expand the male empire, let me assure you I have the affirmation of all the world's most important leaders, not least the one and only Justin Trudeau:
And with a disturbing rise in anti-transgender hate here in Canada and around the world recently, I want to be very clear about one more thing: Trans women are women. We will always stand up to this hate - whenever and wherever it occurs.
That's right. You better respect my gender identity. Womanhood is a costume. International Women's Day is my chance - my day - to celebrate the fact that a vagina doesn't make you a woman but a dress and lipstick certainly do.
So to all the haters out there, happy Women Are History Month!