Summary: At your funeral, no one will remember how much money you made or what kind of status you had. Instead, they will remember your faithfulness, your bravery and your kindness. We can all follow the example of Mary in developing eulogy virtues, with the support and accountability of a community of faith.
Dorothy Day was a woman who wanted a life of depth and meaning. Her goals went far beyond success and achievement. She desired not only to do good, but to be good. At age 30, she converted to Catholicism and became a champion of the poor, shaped by the values of simplicity and surrender. She became known for opening "houses of hospitality" for people who needed food and shelter.
Day is one of the people featured in a book titled The Road to Character, by New York Times columnist David Brooks. He sees the culture around us as being focused on what he calls "the Big Me," which emphasizes external success. To get ahead in this culture, we tend to concentrate on "resume virtues," which are focused on "achieving wealth, fame and status." In place of these virtues, he challenges us to concentrate on our "eulogy virtues," the things that will be talked about at our funerals. These "exist at the core of our being: kindness, bravery, honesty or faithfulness." 1 They tend to be seen not on our resumes, but in the relationships we have formed.
Dorothy Day had tremendous "eulogy virtues." She learned how to make use of suffering, taking the bad things in life and turning them into something beautiful. So did civil rights pioneer Bayard Rustin, who learned to put himself in the background for the good of the cause. His story was told in last year's movie Rustin, which was nominated for an Academy Award. Both Dorothy Day and Bayard Rustin not only did good, but they were good. They were living for their eulogies, not for their resumes.
In the first chapter of the Gospel of Luke, we learn that a woman named Elizabeth is pregnant with the child who will grow up to become John the Baptist. But that's not all. In the sixth month of her pregnancy, "the angel Gabriel was sent by God to a town in Galilee called Nazareth, to a virgin engaged to a man whose name was Joseph, of the house of David. The virgin's name was Mary."2 The angel greeted her, told her that she had "found favor with God," and said, "And now, you will conceive in your womb and bear a son, and you will name him Jesus."3
Mary was shocked, to say the least. She said to the angel, "How can this be, since I am a virgin?"4 She was a smart young woman, aware of where babies came from. The angel said to her, "The Holy Spirit will come upon you, and the power of the Most High will overshadow you; therefore the child to be born will be holy; he will be called Son of God." Mary must have given Gabriel a skeptical look when he said that, because he continued with the words, "And now, your relative Elizabeth in her old age has also conceived a son, and this is the sixth month for her who was said to be barren. For nothing will be impossible with God." At this point, Mary agreed to what God wanted to do in her life. She said, "Here am I, the servant of the Lord; let it be with me according to your word." And the angel departed from her.
If Mary wanted to build an impressive resume, she would not have said yes to what God wanted to do in her life. Having a child, as an unmarried young woman in Nazareth, did not seem to be a clear path to wealth, fame and status. In fact, it appeared to be a road to poverty, shame and low status. But Mary said no to resume-building. She was focused on eulogy virtues, not resume virtues, so she said, "Here am I, the servant of the Lord." She cared more about faithfulness and bravery than about wealth and status.
If we want to be as faithful and brave as Mary, what do we need to do? In short: Practice, practice, practice. Virtue is "an acquired excellence of character," says Professor Thomas Hibbs. An acquired excellence "that renders a person capable over the long haul of behaving in certain reliable ways." The acquisition of virtue is similar to athletic training in that it requires practicing certain things over and over, following the examples and instructions of others. Mary sets a good example for us, as do Dorothy Day and Bayard Rustin. Books and programs that contain illustrations of particular character traits can be helpful, but in the end, virtue is best learned by practice, not abstract thought. Says Professor Hibbs, "playing basketball is better than reading a book about basketball."5 Practice makes perfect.
Children learn faithfulness from faithful people, not from YouTube videos about character development. At Calvary Presbyterian Church in Alexandria, Virginia, a man named John Middlecoff was an usher who was a fixture at the church entrance. He was the "Cal Ripken" of Calvary, not only because he was proud of his Baltimore birthplace but because he played his position at the back door week in and week out - perhaps even rivaling Ripken's 2,632 straight games. He welcomed people to almost every worship service that was offered, and from him the children of the church learned the virtues of faithfulness, dependability and diligence. Such qualities can be taught only by example.
The pursuit of good character also requires a community of accountability and support. It is never an individualistic effort. In Luke, Mary did not sit at home by herself and wonder about what it might mean to be the mother of Jesus, the Son of God. No, she "set out and went with haste to a Judean town in the hill country, where she entered the house of Zechariah and greeted Elizabeth." She needed to check in with her relative Elizabeth, to talk about what God was doing in each of their lives. Luke tells us that when Elizabeth heard Mary's greeting, her child in her womb gave a kick. Then Elizabeth was filled with the Holy Spirit and cried out, "Blessed are you among women, and blessed is the fruit of your womb."
Mary needed to see Elizabeth, a woman who was also unexpectedly pregnant as the mother of John the Baptist. When we look at these two women together, talking and supporting each other, we see a vision of virtue. This scene in a Judean town contains two good women who said yes to God when they were asked to bring two special children into the world. Luke tells us about two women who worked together to do God's will. Virtue is often a team sport, not an individual event.
Churches are challenged to be virtuous communities where teachers and learners strive for excellence together. In congregations across the country, confirmation classes match students with adult mentors, so that young people can see what being a grown-up Christian looks like. Over a period of time, students go with their mentors to worship, social events and service projects, and get a sense of the day-to-day pleasures and struggles of Christian life. Although far from perfect, these adult mentors are better than any book of virtue because they truly inspire imitation. In the same way, young couples at church are motivated to be faithful to one another when older couples are recognized in worship for celebrating a 40th ... or 50th ... or 60th wedding anniversary. These senior teachers inspire younger learners who will later become teachers themselves.
Mary is a role model for us, not because she was perfect but because she said yes to God. She opened herself fully to God, showing faithfulness and bravery, because she saw eulogy virtues to be far more important than resume virtues. In response to the words of Elizabeth, she offered a song of praise, "My soul magnifies the LORD, and my spirit rejoices in God my Savior, for he has looked with favor on the lowly state of his servant. Surely from now on all generations will call me blessed, for the Mighty One has done great things for me, and holy is his name."6
Mary was right: All generations have called her blessed. We remember her with thanksgiving because she was brave and faithful, not because she was focused on achieving wealth and status. In fact, her song of praise went in a direction that was far from any resume virtues. She saw that God was working through her, a powerless young woman, and was bringing down the powerful from their thrones. God was determined to lift up the lowly, fill the hungry with good things and send the rich away empty. After becoming pregnant with Jesus, Mary caught a vision of a world ruled by God, one in which the poor and the downtrodden will no longer feel oppressed. She caught a vision of virtue, a heavenly virtue.
As you gather with family members and friends over the Christmas holiday, realize that your eulogy virtues are much more important than your resume virtues. At your funeral, no one will remember how much money you made, whether you were famous or not or what kind of status you had. Instead, they will remember your love, your faithfulness, your bravery, your kindness and your honesty. So, follow the example of Mary in developing these eulogy virtues, with the support and accountability of a community of faith. If you do this, you will be remembered as a person of character, for generations to come.